Stoat-Gate: An Exclusive Interview

From the start of her long career, FiFi Chi-Terriere has been hounded --or should we say chihuahua'ed? -- with controversy, dating all the way back to the infamous groin-biting incident of 2005. But never has she managed to spark such a media firestorm as with this month's Stoat-Gate incident.

For anyone who's been living under a rock and has somehow missed the intense debate, the scandal arose when, having been pulled over for a DWY [Doing Wild Yapping] in Greenwich Park, Chi-Terriere allegedly let fly with a stream of anti-mustelidic remarks.

After a week in 'Fi-hab' at the $1,000-a-day Fresh Dawns Aromatherapy Spa in LA, the infamous 'pup terrible' agreed to meet at the Ritz for her first interview since our rival publication first broke the story of her alleged hate-barking.

She arrives fully two hours late to the interview, the black circles around her eyes amply testifying to the fact that she hasn't given up her fast-lane lifestyle in spite of the her intensive 'therapy'. Still, she manages to look much younger than her seven years -- not a day over five -- as she sits lapping at her Long Island ice-tea while around us the other patrons finish up their morning coffee.

'Let's get dis ovuh with,' she growls, and so I begin with my questions.


Q: Forgive me if I start with the question that's on everyone's mind at the moment: are you, in fact, an anti-mustelidite?

A: N'yo, n'yot at awl. My remahks was taken kimpletely outta komptecks. Ferrets have a rich and varicose cultureful histawry and I have nuttin but the outermost rispeck for the mustelid community.


Q: [Consulting police transcript] Well, you did call them, 'filthy filthing filth-traps.' It's difficult to see how that could be considered 'respectful' in any context.


A: What ya gotta unnastaynd is dat in many pahts of the woild, filth is considuh'ed a good thing. It's like that owld Irish sayin', for exempul, 'May yer road be paved with filth.'


Q: With all due respect, Fi, I don't think that's really an Irish saying.


A: Okay, so maybe it's an Icelandic saying -- what do I look like, an anthropawlogist? The point is that you can't blame me if the stupid filthing weasels are so culturefully unsensitive that they don't even know when someone's payin' dem a cawmpliment.


Q: Now, that raises another issue: don't they prefer the term 'ferret' to the, um, 'w-word'?


A: Oh my gawd, that is so nawt cool. We're never gonna make progress on intuh-species relations if they keep makin' such a big deal about that woid. They use that woid awl the time -- but somehow when I do it, it's a big deal. Bongo and Gizmo are always like, 'Weasel dis' and 'weasel dat' -- why, just dis morning Newington said that woid to me.


Q: Really? That surprises me. What did she say?


A: She said, 'FiFi, please stop cawlling me a weasel.' See what I mean? Dey use it continuefully!


Q: Well, okay...I guess...But how about when you said, 'If I ever git my paws on one of them motherfilthing weasels, I'll flawss my teeth with their whiskers and use their tail for a fedduh boa'?


A: What about it? Their tails are very, very fedduh-y and sawft. They should be flattuh'ed that I'd want to wea-uh them.


Q: Still, you have to admit it sounds a little...hostile.


A: Hos-ty-ul? Hos-ty-ul? They're the ones that are hos-ty-ul! It's well known that weasels are vicious, nasty, violent aminuls that try to bite everything that isn't nailed down!


Q: Why would nailing something down keep them from biting it?


A: You know what I mean -- everybody knows it. Weasels are stone-cold killuhs from the deepest pit of Hades itself, sent to heeyuh as punishment for a fawllen race, and they shall be swept from the earth by the righteous in the last days!

(Pictured: Stone-Cold Killuhs)

Q: Now, I've got to be honest with you Fi, that sounds a little extreme.

A: What, are you one of them, too?

Q: Uh, no, I think it's pretty obvious from my bipedal stance that I'm a human.

A: Oh, that explains it. See, we dawgs are gifted with more senses than you humans. We can actually smell the evil comin' off weasels. It's kinda like roquefort. Then we can't help it if our instinks kick in.

Q: So you're saying that, as a dog, you have no choice but to be angry with ferrets and therefore we can't hold your mustelidophobia against you?

A: That's correck. Ask any dawg.

Q: Then how do you explain...these? [I hand her a sheaf of photographs]

A: No kommint! This intuhview is ovuh!

Editor's note: Shortly after the above was written, Ms. Chi-Terriere's publicist called to inform us that she had been struggling with rawhide addiction at the time of the interview, which accounted for her seemingly inappropriate attitude toward the mustelid community. As of publication time, she has voluntarily entered the New Beginnings Reiki Therapy and Pedicures to deal with this issue.