Do'sDay: To Chop or not to Chop...

Here we goes again!

For lo, winter is past and the rain is over and gone. (Well, not really, but in a normal English winter, it totally would've been by now). And the time for the cutting of hair is come.

Seriously, it is time for a haircut, drastic or otherwise. The last time my locks felt the bite of a goodly pair of shears was, by my calculations, July or so. It's so easy to get lazy with hair when it gets past a certain length. And, man, mine is definitely past any number of lengths. I'd venture to say it hasn't been this long since I was 18 years old.

And that's really the nub, isn't it? Long hair may be cute on some coltish filly on the verge of blooming womanhood, but for a lay-dee in her 30's?

[Okay, okay. Since I know readers who knew me when will take issue with the above description, I'll admit that I not so much 'coltish' in my teens as 'hedgehoggish' -- you know, small and round and prickly?.]

There's a fantabulous British expression that haunts my waking hours and racks my restless sleep: 'Ooh, get a look at 'er. Mutton dressed as lamb, I call it.'

Ouch, but isn't it so devastatingly on the nose? The woolly, slimy nose?

Examples? Um, Madonna leaps athletically to mind and then strikes a weird kabuki-inspired pose. Geez, woman, you are OLD. And that's fine, it's okay to be old. What is creeping out all and sundry is that you insist on aping the yout' : you stole your tumbling blond locks off some prepubescent, Pony Club, princess-obsessive, and you stole your bulging biceps off a kid named Cody who works out daily in his mom's garage, affects a muscle shirt, and insists that everyone call him C-Dog.

And what about Angelina Jolie? I'm pretty sure we're the same age, which I like to think is not OLD, but doesn't her hair just scream: 'If I grow this stuff long enough, I just know my prince will come climbing it up one day!' Doesn't it look like it belongs on one of her innumerable pupae? Doesn't it actually make her look weird and sad and like she's still working through those times daddy wasn't there by clinging to the hair-style she had when he left? Whatever Happened to Baby Jane much? No? Well, maybe that's just me. But leaving pseudo-psych aside, someone that beautiful shouldn't need to look like she's trying that hard.

Going even further down the age ladder, what about Jordan/Katie Price? Again, not totally sure on this and can't be bothered checking, but I do believe she's YOUNGER than I. And could her hair make her look any older? *Shudder* I'm s'posin' the plastic surgery's got something to do with it, but day-um. That huge pile of dark straw on her head is like a black-hole sucking all available youth and light from its immediate vicinity. J/KP easily passes for a desperate 50-year-old ex-showgirl who's attempting to pass for 30...and she IS about 30! Put her next to Janice Dickinson and I double-dog-dare ya to tell the diff.

Super-long hair past a certain age is like wearing a sailorsuit and a big dumb hat. You don't look younger. Actually, the trappings of childhood only serve to highlight your maturity. Plus, it creates a weird Uncanny-Valley-of-Age effect that can create a high squick-factor and land you on Jerry Springer.

So how old is 'a certain age'? The bar is constantly moving these days, in favour of Crystal-Gale-aping grammas. But just cuz everybody's doin' it, don't make it right. If all your friends jumped off the Botox Bridge, would you?

And where does all that leave me? My hair is certainly not in the Rapunzel league yet, but the longer is goes past my shoulders, the harder it is to cut. Its like it takes on a life of its own, sucking out your own good judgement: you can't cut me, I'm soooo loooooong.

My brain says, 'Bobs after 30 are classy. Long locks after 40 are trashy.'

The hair says '*Bleep* you brain, what have you done for us lately? That didn't even rhyme properly. And did I mention that I'm naturally curly?'

What will tomorrow bring? We shall see.

We shall see.